And Then There were Four

I have wanted to have baby #2 from the moment I had baby #1. It's hard to explain why. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am from a family with two kids and absolutely love my big brother and cannot imagine a world without him or my wonderful nieces. I wanted Owen to have the same thing - a sibling to play with, a sibling to grow up with, a sibling to share life with...

But our first year with Owen was not an easy one. To start with he was a high demand baby (and that is probably an under-statement) who also suffered from undiagnosed reflux for four and a half months. Life was pretty miserable from a sleep perspective. Add that to the fact that we had just moved to Vancouver and had very few friends that we could draw on for support. And finally, Nick needed to have emergency knee surgery when Owen was 5 weeks old and had to give up his contract position at a college (because he couldn't walk or stand) and ended up being unemployed for almost a full year.

I always say that that first year is a testament to the strength of our marriage, because if it had not been that strong we would have surely been divorced.

Given all of that, Nick was adamant that Owen would be an only child. This was really hard for me to accept, particularly as my friends were having their second children. And then Owen started asking for a sibling on a regular basis and telling me how unfair it was that he didn't have a little brother or sister. It took all my self-control not to tell him to talk to his father about it.

And then it happened... one romantic weekend, a bit too much wine, some poor math, and voila - our second baby was conceived.

Once we got over the shock, I was thrilled and so was Owen.

Just over three months ago, little Alex arrived. She is very sweet. I love her dearly... but it has not been the dream I had thought it would be. For many, many weeks I woke up with such anxiety about her addition to our family - dare I say that I regretted having that second child that I wanted so badly for so many years.

Owen, at four and a half, is so easy. He's independent. He's interactive and funny. He skis and swims. We can go almost anywhere with him. And now we have this tiny, little baby - who is almost as high demand as Owen was. And it is hard. I missed Owen. I felt guilty about not being able to give him as much of me as I could before. I felt guilty that I felt this way about Alex. I felt overwhelmed. And I felt like a failure because this should be easier.

I've since discovered that these feelings are fairly normal, I just had not heard anyone express them before. That makes me feel a bit better...

Things are getting easier. Alex is smiling and laughing. She's sleeping better. Owen adores her and doesn't seem to feel he is missing out on much as a result of her. I am feeling better and more confident and have been able to spend more quality time with Owen again. I still feel a little inkling of regret every once and awhile (e.g., when I had to miss out on camping) but it isn't a constant cloud over me.

I know there will come a day when I cannot imagine life without her. I'm close to that point already. I just wish more people would talk about these things - it helps to know that I am not alone and that it does get better.