BackTalk

I finished reading Backtalk: 4 Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids by Audrey Ricker. And have already tested it out...

There is nothing really new in this book. The principles are fairly similar to my favourite book on discipline: Drawing the Line: Ten Steps to Constructive Discipline--and Achieving a Great Relationship with your Kids by Weiss, Wagner, and Goldberg - except I would suggest a bit more extreme.

The four steps are simple in theory:

1) Recognize the backtalk - if it hurts you, embarrasses you, annoys you, or makes you feel helpless, it is backtalk

2) Choose the right consequence for the behaviour - any backtalk automatically means that the child will not do what she wants or has planned to do

3) Enact the consequence - calmly follow-through on whatever consequence you identified in step 2

4) Disengage from a struggle - the backtalker will not be happy with step 3 and may throw a fit - step 4 is about ignoring that fit

For me the big difference here is in the immediacy of the approach. There is no warning. There is no "if you continue to speak that way you won't get x". There is no changing the consequence if the child apologizes and corrects their initial rude behaviour.

The other day Owen and I were on our pre-nap walk with Alex. He was on his bike and Alex was in the Baby Trekker. Naturally he was faster than I was. At one point he turned and rudely said "Mom, why are you so slow all the time?"

1 - I recognized this as backtalk - or at the very least rude behaviour that I want to stop.

2 - I chose to not give him the hot chocolate that he always gets at the end of these walks as a motivator for getting out of the house in a timely fashion.

3 - I told him: "We don't talk to each other in that tone of voice. It is unacceptable, and as a result you will not have any hot chocolate when we get home."

4 - Owen threw a tantrum. I ignored him to the extent I could, since I couldn't just leave him alone on the street. But I did hold firm, there was no hot chocolate that day.

Is it working?

I think it is actually... I have seen a decrease in rude behaviour.

How is it different from what I would have done?

I would have told him he was being rude. He would have said sorry and that would have been that until the next time. I think this approach is more impactful.

Do I follow it all of the time?

No - I think there are times when asking him to "try again" is more effective in teaching him how to be polite. It makes him think through what he needs to say on his own. But when I have an emotional reaction to what he has said or done, it is a much more effective approach.

Definitely worth a read.